Buzzsaw Haircut

Imaginaryfriends.com

Below is an excerpt from the book Critical But Stable, written by James Sigman, Buzzsaw Haircut’s first publisher and founding editor. It is available at amazon.com and bn.com.

Dear Ignored Person,

Are you tired of friends letting you down?

Are you fed up with listening to your friends' problems?

Do you wish you actually had friends?

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, then we think you will be interested in an exciting new business venture that uses computer interaction to fill the friendship void in your life. It is called imaginaryfriends.com, and it is designed specifically for you, the social misfit. And if you join today, you will be among the first in your neighborhood to have your very own imaginary friend.

But, imaginary friends … aren't they for children?

See, that's the problem. Children have been hording imaginary friends for far too many years. But it's not entirely their fault. Society as a whole seems to accept and occasionally encourage our younger citizens to have fictitious pals, chums they can play with when no one's around. But if older folks should exhibit the same behavior they are labeled as "crazy" or "mentally unstable" or even "indescribably creepy." It hardly seems fair.

But we at imaginaryfriends.com are working to change all this. Through our marketing campaigns and increased public awareness, we are slowly making it acceptable for adults to have imaginary friends. Why shouldn't they have this right? Society may thumb its collective nose, but we recognize that there are thousands, perhaps millions, of people who either don't want or are incapable of having friendships. Should we ignore them and cast them aside? What kind of heartless cretins do that? Not us.

OK, I don't have any friends … how does your website work?

For a nominal fee, the staff at imaginaryfriends.com will provide you with your own nonexistent buddy. We will work with you to create the best friend we possibly can. All the important characteristics are left up to you. You tell us the name and gender of your imaginary friend, where he/she lives, his/her likes and dislikes, etc. It's all up to you.

Once you have given us all the information about your pal, we will enter it into our computer. Then, you will begin receiving lovingly crafted e-mails from your imaginary friend. He/she will ask you how things are going, tell you what's going on in his/her life (though never to an excessive degree), and generally touch on all the things that "real" friends do.

And if you want to take the risk of dating your imaginary friend, we won't stop you. You know the dangers involved, and you don't need us to lecture you. Simply tell us your plans, and we will upgrade your imaginaryfriends.com membership for a small fee. You will then be redirected to one of our sister sites, either imaginarylovers.com or imaginaryfriendswithbenefits.com, depending on the relationship you're seeking.

What if I get tired of my imaginary friend?

We all grow weary of people sometimes. And sometimes friendships don't work out. But, just between us, it's usually someone else who gets tired of you and not the other way around, isn't it? We thought so. It's OK.

The great thing about imaginaryfriends.com is that, great God almighty, you are finally in the driver's seat. If you want to start ignoring your imaginary friend's e-mails, go right ahead. If you want to tell him/her to get the hell out of your life, you can. And, if after you've decided that dating your imaginary friend was a bad idea and you "just want to be friends," the power is yours. We will simply discontinue your membership, leaving you with the satisfaction you've always assumed comes with telling someone that your life is better off without him/her.

This is a dream come true … how do I join?

All you need to do is visit our website today and begin filling out the appropriate online forms. We are certain that you'll find our rates extremely reasonable.

So, why not sign up today? Be one of the first 100 to join and we will send you a free attaché to store the e-mail printouts, postcards, and other greetings your imaginary friend sends you. What a deal! Don't let it pass you by!

Your pal,
James Sigman,
CEO, Imaginaryfriends.com