Real REAL American Heroes
By Mike Myers
On February 1, 2005, a threat was made. A group of Iraqi insurgents held an American soldier hostage, and they had one demand: either Iraqi prisoners would be released, or the poor, unnamed soldier would be beheaded within 72 hours. They had the picture to prove it, showing a young man tied up, his own gun being pointed at his head.
Well, this brave soul has a name, it’s Cody. He is a member of the Special Operations force in southern Iraq. Cody is a relative of war hero Garrett White from the 17th Airborne Division, most known for Operation Varsity during WWII; and he can be purchased for $39.99 from Dragon Models USA.
Several news sources ran the story of this tragedy, but once it was revealed that this soldier was a mere action figure and furthermore that his captors were really just one man playing a joke, all mention of it dropped. That must mean the story ended there, doesn’t it?
Well, you’d be wrong.
“This is a travesty, that a young man such as Cody be kidnapped and held against his will, not even out of his packaging for three days,” said Donald Rumsfeld at a conference with some of the leading military officials of the Iraq war. “He must be saved.”
And so, Operation R.A.H. (Real American Heroes) was put into action. Almost secretly, a group was called in, a team with the utmost amount of military experience. They’d seen it all. They had flown into the face of fiery death from a squadron of oncoming fighter planes countless times, dismantled plans to destroy the world capitals with the “Photon Disintegrator,” and faced hordes of raging animals under the control of an evil animal mind control ray gun. That’s right…they called in G.I. Joe.
Being the elite force of heroes they were, the squadron was kept small. The group, led by Sergeant Brick Mortar and Corporal Ricochet Bullet (retail prices $13.99 and $18.50, respectively), was comprised of a dozen Joes riding in G.I. Joe Desert Buggy Riders, with realistic light and sound ($35.99).
“This was next to nothing for us,” Sgt. Mortar would later say during the post-operation press release, with a hearty laugh and a flex of his unrealistic biceps. “When you’ve gone up against Cobra Commander and his thousands of SCUBA Sidewinders and even robotic clones of yourself, going up against one man isn’t much to worry about.”
Cameras onboard the G.I. Joe Desert Buggy Riders (comes with totally awesome battle damage stickers. GO JOE!) showed exactly how the operation went down. After a day of tearing full speed through the desert, they arrived at the target, a small one-level clay house in the remains of a village reduced to rubble.
The Joes launched their attack with a shower of black plastic missiles. It was over as soon as it had begun. In a torrent of gun fire noises, Tough Squad Alpha ran into the destroyed building and rescued the still tied-up Cody.
And with that, it was all over. Mission accomplished.
“In the aftermath, we’re still not entirely sure who was behind this.” said Major Duke Payne, $20.45, leader of the G.I. Joes. “Nobody but Cody was found in the rubble. This plot didn’t have the sneaky, slippery snakelike qualities that Cobra usually has.”
Rumsfeld agreed. “We intercepted a tape from Cobra Commander,” he said at the conference. The tape was then played:
“Greetingssssss, this is Cobra Commander,” he said, dressed in his blue uniform, face fully hidden behind his menacing metal mask. “Cobra condemnsssss thissssss kidnapping and beheading threat, and would never stoop ssssso low as to resssssort to such tacticsssss. Yesssss, we have much grander thingsssss in store for you Joesssss, and you, America…Big plansssssss! Once the starship Copperhead isssss complete… Washington will be desssstroyed in a hail of Viper Missssssssssssilessss!”
At this point, Cobra Commander proceeded to laugh maniacally, and the tape was suddenly cut off.
After de-briefing Cody was allowed to return home from his tour of duty to his wife, Beachfront Bekki, and two kids, Stevie and Josh (pick up all three for the low, low price of $21.50).
For press purposes, the G.I. Joe forces, our Real American Heroes, went along as well. Upon arriving, Cody’s youngest son, Stevie, age 7, ran out to greet his father, tripping over a step and falling, scraping his knee along the pavement. In an instant, Sgt. Mortar offered a helping hand.
“Remember, Billy… you should always look where you’re running. You never know when you could trip and fall, or run into something and get hurt. And, also, Billy… terrorism is no laughing matter, nor are kidnappings and beheadings. But it’s okay, because we’re all fictional or not real people.”
“My name’s Stevie.”
“Sure it is, Billy.”
At that all the G.I. Joes had a good laugh, and with an enthusiastic, manly cry of “Go Joe!” they were gone, Cody safe and sound, and America saved for another day.
Mike Myers is a freshman journalism major who knows what Snake Eyes looks like under the mask. E-mail him at mmyers1@ithaca.edu.