Universal Law vs. TV Order
By Adam Trabka
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups—the police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.”
For the past 15 years, these words have ushered in the exhibition of justice that is “Law & Order.” What was once the little police drama that could has become a franchise and an institution of American society with three spin-offs and as many as nine episodes airing daily, according to the website “When is Law & Order On?”, located at http://lao.waffle-iron.net.
That’s right folks, there’s a website devoted specifically to telling the world when “Law & Order” is on. The site also presents synopses of each episode to make your choice easier should an episode of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” be airing at the same time as regular “Law & Order.”
Believe it or not, this can actually be a problem for some people, myself included. During a very long, boring spring break, I lost count of how many episodes I watched, but I knew I had to step away from the show for a while at the end of break, after the actress who played ADA Alexandra Cabot on “Special Victims Unit” passed me on the street in NYC. When TV bleeds into real life, there’s a problem.
This is what brings me to my point: “Law & Order” has become such a powerful force that it can defy the laws of space and time. This blatant disregard for physics goes beyond a chance pseudo-encounter with an actor. That’d be dumb. This has to do with the fact that both Detective Lennie Briscoe and Lieutenant Anita Van Buren appeared on the show previous to their characters’ introductions, however with completely different names and back stories.
Now, you may be saying to yourself, doesn’t this idiot understand that the actors who play these characters are able to play other characters in their careers? To you, I say yes, this idiot does understand that concept. However, I refuse to believe that creator/producer Dick Wolf would allow such a blatant disregard for continuity within his fine programs.
Thus, it is my belief that one of two possible explanations apply to this case: either Defense Attorney Frank Lehrman and Denise Winters are simply doppelgangers of Briscoe and Van Buren, or, much more likely and diabolically, they are alternate Briscoe and Van Burens from Dimension X, ripped through some sort of portal or wormhole and inserted into the L&O universe to create this seemingly paradoxical event of having two physical beings represent four distinct characters.
How has this gone on for so long with out waves of public outrage at this affront to the space-time continuum? It’s quite simple: mind control, and it’s ridiculously clear how this mind control is being carried out. I can sum it up in two simple words: DUN DUN. That’s right, the “Law & Order” noise signifying a new scene isn’t to tell you to hurry up with making that sandwich or to hurry out of the bathroom, it’s to tell you to forget everything you’ve just seen and to question nothing.
While researching this article I learned that the Law & Order sound was created by combining over a dozen different sounds into one, include monks stomping on the floor. Now why would the sounds of monks stomping be included in a sound effect for a television show? Simple. Because one of the other sounds is the laugh of Satan, and let’s face it, every little bit helps when you’re trying to prevent eternal damnation.
It’s incredibly simple: Dick Wolf entered into a pact with the Prince of Darkness to ensure the success of his show, but used the sounds of monks to balance things out and ensure his soul would be saved from roasting over the pyre like a marshmallow for eternity. You don’t create a show like Law & Order by being a fool, and only a fool would guarantee their own eternal damnation.
So now that the truth is out about Dick Wolf and his unholy alliance with Lucifer, what’s a person to do? Nothing, that’s what. Just accept it, because hey, it’s a really good show and it’s either that or re-runs of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and any discerning individual knows that the antics of Will and Carlton have nothing on Briscoe and any one of his partners over the years. So sit back and relax, because the porno bass just kicked in and it’s an Angie Harmon episode. DUN DUN!
Adam Trabka is a junior social studies major. He only watches Law and Order when The O.C. isn’t on. E-mail him at trabka@gmail.com.