Mel and Me
By Zachary Loeb
In the days of my youth there were few actors who stood out as strongly in my mind as Mr. Mel Gibson. He was exactly the type of actor that an impressionable young kid could look up to. After all he fought off hordes of bikers in the Mad Max movies, defeated the English (and won an Oscar) in Braveheart, found out what women really wanted in the aptly titled What Women Want, and was the voice of an animated rooster in Chicken Run. However, since this time he has, well, changed. Not only in my opinion but also in the opinions of many people. Thus, I did the only responsible thing I could think of…I called him.
Mel Gibson: Hello?
Zachary Loeb: Hey Mr. Gibson, you don’t know me but I was wondering if you had a few moments to talk.
MG: How’d you get this number?
ZL: God gave it to me.
MG: Really?
ZL: Yeah, I said, “God, can I have Mel Gibson’s home phone number?” and God said “It will cost you your immortal soul,” and I said “Sounds like a fair trade.” So that’s how I got your number.
MG: Sounds like you made a deal with Satan!
ZL: Really? Crap, that would really ruin my weekend. Satan you say? Damn. Oh well.
MG: Oh well? This is your soul we’re talking about.
ZL: Yeah, but I got your phone number out of the deal.
MG: Kid, I’m hanging up.
ZL: Wait! Come on, I traded my soul for your number, the least you can do is talk to me.
MG: Fine, tell you the truth I could use somebody to talk to.
ZL: Really?
MG: Yeah, I’m still having a hard time with The Passion having not gotten nominated for best picture, or me for best director.
ZL: Tough break. But didn’t you win the People’s Choice Award?
MG: Bah, what do the people know? Nothing I tell you! I mean, have you seen the people? Anyway, Michael Moore won one, too. What does that say?
ZL: That Americans like movies that have a lot of gore in them?
MG: What did you say?
ZL: Nothing. So can I ask my questions now? I wrote them down and everything.
MG: Go ahead.
ZL: Question number 1: In the Mad Max movies you played a survivor of the collapse of society, an event brought about because of the oil supply running out, and as I’m sure you know we’re currently running low on oil. So what I’m wondering is, do you have any advice for when the world turns more into a situation like the Mad Max movies?
MG: Invest in solar power. Ha ha ha. No I just kid. We’ll never run out of oil. Unless the homosexuals steal it all.
ZL: What the hell did you say? Homosexuals steal all the oil?
MG: Yeah, they’re always oiling themselves up before they get leathered up and beat each other.
ZL: I think that’s a different kind of oil. You seem kind of fixated on the whole homo-erotic sado-masochistic violence thing.
MG: No I don’t.
ZL: Moving right along then. So in Braveheart you played William Wallace and lead a small force against a cruel king with imperial ambitions that sought to impose its values upon everybody. Can you see any parallels to the world situation today?
MG: Didn’t you watch the movie? Wallace wins. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It sounds like you should re-watch the movie. I won an Oscar for it.
ZL: Yeah I know.
MG: But I won’t ever win one again.
ZL: What makes you say that?
MG: Well, everybody knows that Hollywood is controlled by the Jews and the Homosexuals. They hate me and are seeking to destroy me and my life. But they will all burn in hell come the Rapture.
ZL: So you think that The Passion didn’t win any awards because of the Jews and the homosexuals?
MG: Yes.
ZL: Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason was that, how shall I put this, it just wasn’t all that well made? I mean, it was pretty obvious that the actors didn’t really have any idea how to speak Aramaic. They had just memorized the lines.
MG: How dare you criticize my film! Your disliking of my film must mean that you hate Jesus! You spawn of Satan! Besides, can you speak Aramaic?
ZL: Yes, actually.
MG: Really?
ZL: Yes.
MG: Really?
ZL: No. Moving on though. In What Women Want you knew exactly what women wanted and once you, in the film, realized it, you became less of a misogynist. Do you think that we can apply this in any way to the real world? Or did it give you any insight into women?
MG: It was just a movie. Who cares about what women want? God put them here to make dinner and wash clothes, and bear the fruit of my loins! All a woman should want is to make her husband happy.
ZL: Wow, so I take it that’s why you had a female Satan in The Passion.
MG: Indeed.
ZL: That leads into my last question. Are you a pod person?
MG: Excuse me?
ZL: Are you a pod person? A malevolent impostor trying to ruin Mel Gibson’s reputation. ‘Cause you used to be so awesome, or at least you seemed awesome, but now it seems like you’re really kind of a jerk.
MG: What did you just say?
ZL: Or maybe you’re Mel Gibson’s evil identical twin, or maybe a clone, or a cyborg wearing a very convincing Mel Gibson disguise. Come on, you can tell me.
MG: This is ludicrous.
ZL: You can’t really be Mel Gibson…
MG: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
ZL: Damn! He is a cyborg!
At this point my phone blew up.
Zachary M. Loeb is a junior writing and philosophy major. He would have gotten a picture with Mel Gibson but he sold his soul just for the interview not the interview and a picture. E-mail him at zloeb1@ithac.edu.