I'll Have the Jesus on Rye
By Mary Yajko
Have the credentials for proving that you are a renowned figure in history been slowly expanding?
Well, you know you’re a famous pop star if Weird Al covers one of your songs. You know you’ve made it as a sports hero when you’ve been accused of sexual harassment or statutory rape. You know you’re a beloved B-list celebrity when your newest claim to fame is your “whoops-they-were-taping-me!” sex video.
But what does it mean when your face has been etched by the hands of the gods into the crusty, burnt surface of fried food? Possibly it means you are the ultimate epitome of what it means to be socially sacred, and the owner of such food is therefore important by association.
Diana Duyser of Hollywood, Fla., is the proud vehicle through which divine hands branded her grilled cheese sandwich with the face of the Virgin Mary. Right after grilling her supernatural snack, Duyser realized that it shouldn’t be eaten. In fact, she was quite frightened. She had been touched by a higher power.
She then did what any god-fearing individual would do: she decided to make money off the mass’s blind faith in God. After all, God speaks to George W. Bush, so God must have definitely been sending Duyser a sign on her sandwich. The cheesy, blessed Holy Mother sold for $28,000 on eBay after receiving 1.6 million hits.
Fred Whan of Ontario, Canada barely rescued a charred slab of holy cod from his hungry dogs when he realized that the fried fish was endowed with the face of Jesus Christ. Whan thought the fattening munchie resembled a rock star before he was corrected by his son.
It’s hard to imagine how one could misinterpret an obvious message from the powers that be. It’s part of our responsibility as moral human beings to look for the signs of holy intervention wherever they should appear. That fried hunk of processed cod is no snack for canines, but a message from God. Whatever God is trying to tell us must be really important.
Not only religious idols are immortalized on food. College student Matt Milkowski is currently receiving bids for the latest rendition of Leonardo DiVinci’s Mona Lisa. Instead of appearing in the Louvre this artistic masterpiece is currently on a toasted sandwich. Imagine how Mona would have felt while she was sitting still for DiVinci if she knew she was going down in history, and going down in history as a part of a greasy lunch. If she knew, she definitely would have been smiling much wider.
Among other edible relics etched in carbs are Hello Kitty, Al Roker and Howard Stern.
But where do we draw the line between coincidence and fated fortune? Maybe God is staring right at a person when the first letters of the titles of the last six songs that are played on shuffle mode on that person’s iPod spell out “heaven.” Or maybe it’s an indication that this person has too much free time if they have nothing better to do than search for acronyms in an iPod. Perhaps if one sees the face of Charles Manson scorched onto the surface of one’s pancake, it means one needs to drink a cup a coffee…and stop burning one’s pancakes.
Mary Yajko is a freshman journalism major. She recommends you see an optometrist if you see Jesus’s face in toast. E-mail her at myajko1@ithaca.edu.