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Disappearing Ink A regular column by Buzzsaw's executive publisher James Sigman "... he's musical, which means a lot to me, you know, and I admire his work." --Melissa Etheridge, on one of the reasons she chose David Crosby to father her and partner Julie Cypher's children (Rolling Stone, 2/3/2000)
Dear Potential Mothers, It seems everyone wants a child these days, and some mothers are finding new and interesting ways of obtaining suitable sperm. Aging ejaculators who most folks figured were well past their parental prime are now turning up their hearing aids to hear their child's first words. And apparently they're doing a damn good job. Tony Randall's young bride even recently labeled her beloved "a stud." And last month the world learned more stunning news from the world of reproduction. David Crosby, who most rational people thought would never again appear on the cover of Rolling Stone, suddenly found himself in that plum position. And all because Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher had decided to tell the world that Crosby had fathered their two children through artificial insemination. Though the news was first met with a fair measure of disgust by most musicians (most experts say this disgust was brought on almost solely by the thought of Crosby ejaculating), soon, the world of aging rock stars was abuzz. This was a great vehicle to get back in the spotlight, a spotlight that had not shone on them in years. Enter the Rock and Roll Hall of Sperm. As soon as the Hall of Sperm was conceived, its telephone lines were flooded with calls from stars who were tired of being interviewed for "Where Are They Now?" specials and touring the county-fair circuit. They wanted magazine covers and if they had to provide a little sperm to do so, well, that was fine. So, we ask you, potential mother, to consider choosing the Rock and Roll Hall of Sperm for all your reproductive needs. Our well-respected Board of Directors will be happy to meet with you for a FREE consultation. During this session, we will figure out what kind of sperm donor will best suit your needs and/or musical tastes. Hello? Is it Lionel Richie you're looking for? Well, we've got him! Searching for a slightly unstable musical genius? Well, the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson is ready to deliver some good vibrations. Or maybe you're more of a Vegas gal. If so, Wayne Newton and Engelbert Humperdinck are at your service (Sorry, ladies, we're currently all out of Tom Jones's essence). Don't feel obligated to pick one of the bigger stars. The Hall takes on all comers. Our vast clientele features original members of Styx, Mountain, Dexy's Midnight Runners, Paul Revere and The Raiders, Thin Lizzy, and many, many more. When you set up your meeting with our Board of Directors, simply bring a list of your 10 favorite songs, and we'll go down the list until we find one of our clients. We ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE that at least one of our clients will be in your top 10. If not, we will pay for your insemination. No strings attached. (But please, do not hand us a list with bands like Foo Fighters or the Backstreet Boys on it. We only handle sperm from rockers whose first major-label recording was at least 15 years ago.) And we here at the Hall of Sperm love to have repeat business. So, if more than one child is in your future plans, we've got special package deals for you. Are you a surf girl who dug those groovy waves? Well, how about Jan fathers your first child and Dean comes back from Dead Man's Curve to sire child number two? Or perhaps you're a lifelong Deadhead searching for a miracle (a birth miracle, that is!!!). Well, if you want your brood to have a little touch of grey in them, Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Phil Lesh are all recent inductees into the Hall. Though the Hall of Sperm emerged because of an aging rocker's donation to a lesbian couple, the Hall would like it known that we are not just for lesbians, though we certainly would appreciate their business. We just like to think bigger. So, if you're a heterosexual female with an urge to be a mom, come on down to the Hall. Actually, some of our clients are more than willing to make house calls if you prefer that method. The choice is yours. In closing, I would just like to reiterate what a great organization the Rock and Roll Hall of Sperm really is. We do not discriminate. We won't ask why you chose us. We won't laugh at your musical tastes. We won't suggest a more gifted donor. We are simply here to make your rock and roll dreams come true. Yours truly, James Sigman Paid spokesperson, Rock and Roll Hall of Sperm James Sigman met David Crosby once and got his autograph. Mr. Crosby warned him and two other people against selling his signature by saying that, if they did, "I hope your dicks fall off." Mr. Crosby was obviously trying to eliminate the competition.
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