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Love Lines By Carla Kucinski On Feb. 12, 1998, Alan J. Cohen, Mayor of the City of Ithaca, proclaimed this day to be known as the "Freedom to Marry Day" as a way to gain support from Ithacans to legalize same-sex marriages in New York State. The Mayoral Proclamation says that "Ithaca has long been a leader in recognizing the rights of lesbian and gay, bisexual and transgender people" and "Ithaca currently recognizes same gender relationships through domestic partnerships, but realizes that this does not offer the legal benefits and responsibilities of marriage." Two years later, much has stayed the same. Same-sex marriages are still illegal and couples like Phillip and Toshav Storrs continue their fight for equality. It is late Sunday evening, and Phillip and Toshav Storrs are relaxing peacefully in their quaint house about10 miles from downtown Ithaca, NY. As I walk down the path leading to their home, Toshav opens the door and graciously welcomes me with a firm handshake. He has a closely shaved head and wears round wire rimmed glasses, black slacks, and a light grey dress shirt that has faint trace of vertical white stripes. The top two buttons are undone exposing just a bit of skin. I shake the rain from my coat and rest my plaid umbrella next to the wooden door. Phillip gets up from his white, wooden chair at the kitchen table and approaches me with a beer in his right hand. He is a tall, slender man, whose dark hair blends in nicely with the hints of grey. He wears a worn-out, cream colored t-shirt with a few tiny holes near the shoulder, faded blue jeans and leather moccasins with no socks. They each take a seat in an overstuffed arm chair in their living room. The endless rain taps on the window pane. Their long, black and white hair dog, Oreo, who is a spaniel/border collie mix, bounds into the room and takes a seated position on the shaggy olive green rug. A small picture frame of Toshav and Phillip's commitment ceremony rests on a wooden coffee table next to Phillip. In the photo, they wear matching white cloaks with black bow ties and white Yarmulkes. They have been partners for about five years now and together, Toshav, 39, and Phillip, 41, lend support and love to each other in order to survive in a heterosexually dominated society. They have suffered a lifetime of racial and sexual discrimination, something that most heterosexual couples may never experience during their lifetime. At young ages, Phillip and Toshav were faced with confusion and uncertainty in trying to understand their bodies. As early as the age of five, Toshav understood he was different from other boys. Though he certainly was not aware of his homosexuality at this age, he was positive that he was different. Yet, then and even now, Toshav could not articulate what it was that made him feel this way. When Toshav was 13, he realized that he was physically attracted to boys. He was very afraid because he wasn't sure what sexual attraction was or what was happening to his body. "I think I was most afraid of the first time I got an erection when I was in gym in the showers because it was the first time my body was kind of not in my own control. I was really stressed about that." At first, Toshav was not open about his sexuality, but he said that everyone in school knew he was gay. Although Toshav's classmates were aware of this, they did not tease Toshav for being homosexual. Instead, they teased him about other things like being head of the math and chess club. "I was the 'smart kid' and the 'teacher's favorite,'" Toshav said. "Actually, I got a lot more rap because of that. The gay thing was not something that anybody spent too much time concentrating on. Not a lot of people came to my face. But I understood there were lots of things being said about me." When Toshav finally told his mother at age 15, she responded with "let's not talk about this now." It took her awhile to acknowledge Toshav's sexuality, but over time, she grew to accept it. In contrast, Phillip first began to discover his homosexuality in sixth grade. Phillip developed a crush on his homeroom teacher Mr. Derado. "I didn't understand what it was about. I just thought the way he dressed, the way he talked, he was the most. I knew there was something there, but I didn't understand what." Phillip can still remember sitting in the classroom and staring at Mr. Derado seated at his desk at the front of the room. Every once and awhile, Mr. Derado would look up and see Phillip staring at him: "Do you have a problem Phil?" Mr. Derado would ask. "Is there a question?" "No. No. No. No problem ... no question," Phil would nervously reply. By seventh grade, the definition of a homosexual arose in an English class. Phillip ran to the library to look up the term in just about any book that contained the definition. Phillip read the information realizing that he possibly fit the definition. After hearing all the negative connotations associated with being gay, Phillip became afraid. "Oh my God. No. No. I can't be that. I'm not one of those." For years, Phillip argued about his attraction to men until his struggle to accept his homosexuality finally ended after coming out to his family during his early 20s. "I finally realized,'No. I am me. There's no use arguing.'" But, by the time Phillip had "come out" to his mother, his father had already passed away. Phillip wished he had come out to his father when he was alive. Phillip's mother claimed total ignorance when Phillip told her he was gay and she was very hurt. Yet years later, during a conversation Phillip had with his sister, he discovered that they suspected he was gay for quite some time. "You know, I never would have come out and said that I was gay to mom if she didn't have some idea. I am sorry that it hurt her so bad," Phillip told his sister who in turn began to laugh. "What do you mean you hurt her so bad?" she asked. "Well, she claims she had no idea." Phillip answered. "We used to sit around on Sunday afternoon after you left and went back home and talked about the fact that we thought you were gay," she explained. In actuality, Phillip's sexuality did not come as a surprise to his mother. She knew all along. And today, Phillip's family accepts his homosexuality. The rain is now slowing to a drizzle. The warmth from the heater creates a cozy atmosphere in the living room. Oreo, who was laying on Phillip's lap, has situated himself between the armchairs that Phillip and Toshav sit in. Phillip gets up from his seat and strolls into the kitchen. Toshav pulls his knee up to his chin, resting his elbow on his knee and occasionally rubs his shaven head. Phillips returns with a beer in his hand and slides back into his chair. He slips his feet out of his leather moccasins and rubs them on the furry rug as he listens to Toshav recalling the events leading up to their first date. It is Valentine's Day, 1995, and Toshav Greene is calling his friend Randy to get the phone number of the local gay bar in Elmira, NY in order to find out what gay events are going on in the community. When Toshav calls, Randy also gives him the phone number of Phillip Storrs, someone who Randy thinks Toshav might be interested in. Randy spends the next 30 minutes warning Toshav that he's "not responsible if anything goes wrong" and "I'm really not making a recommendation here." Finally, he gives the number to Toshav who agrees to call. On that Tuesday night, Toshav took Randy's advice and called Phillip. After talking with Phillip for about 30 minutes, Toshav decided to try to get a dinner date with Phillip. Toshav suggested having dinner at Phillip's place, but Phillip did not like that idea. So, they settled on having dinner at Toshav's place that Friday night. Toshav called on Thursday only to verify that Phillip was still coming. "You know, he was a little iffy on that. No! You can't come over to my house!" Toshav glances over at Phillip as they laugh together. After an extensive history of one disastrous date after another, Toshav was a bit skeptical about dating. "I had had long, long, long periods of very bad dates. Oh!" Tosav sighs shaking his head. "That's a book in and of itself," Phillip interjects jokingly. "His stories are hysterical about them," Phillip adds. "Yeah...and I wish they were just stories. God," Toshav comments as Phillip releases a deep, loud laugh. "It was like everything bad from the 'Bad Date Book.' They were all so horrible," Toshav says. "Tell the Vern one. I like the Vern one," Phillip's voice rises in excitement. He can't stop laughing. Vern was a man in his early 20s who worked in the snack bar at Elmira College. At the time, Toshav was 34 and had reservations about dating someone younger. Although Toshav had his concerns, he decided to ask Vern out on a date to the movies on Saturday. Even though Vern agreed to the date, Toshav felt he did not make himself clear that they would not be two friends going to the movies, but rather a date. So, Toshav went to the drugstore and bought Vern a romantic card. "I get a drippingly romantic card and I write a message inside saying that I'm looking forward to going out on Saturday night." Later that night, Toshav called Vern and asked him what he thought about the card and Vern thought it was really nice. During their conversation, Toshav talked about his past relationships with other men and how he was hoping to get into a relationship. Saturday night arrives, and after the movies, they go to Toshav's home where he cooks dinner. As Toshav is cooking, he begins to talk about how he is the president of the gay organization at Elmira College and how he has been having problems with the administration. In the middle of the conversation Vern asks, "You're gay?" "Yeah. You didn't know I was gay?" Toshav asks in disbelief. "No," Vern answers. "Well, wait a minute. What were you thinking when I asked you out to the movies?" Toshav asks in confusion. "I thought you wanted to see a really good movie." "OK, what were you thinking when I brought you this really romantic card?" "I thought that was a really sweet thing for you to do." "Okay, well, what were you thinking when I told you I had been in a relationship with a guy for seven years and I was looking for another relationship like that?" "I thought you were being straight up and honest." "You didn't get gay out of any of that?" Toshav laughs recalling that moment. The evening didn't end there. Toshav asked Vern if he had any questions about being gay and he did so they conversed. By the end of the evening, Toshav told Vern that he had fun and that he hoped they could be friends. Vern agreed that he'd like to be friends and then added "Yeah ... sure. Just don't tell anybody." Surprisingly, the date with Vern was not the worst. In fact, Toshav recalls one particular date that was the most bothersome. Toshav had met the man in the library and began having what Toshav referred to as "a political/social awareness discussion." The library was closing so Toshav suggested they continue the conversation at his home over coffee. At Toshav's house, he brews the coffee in the kitchen, while his date awaits him in the living room. When the coffee is finished brewing, Toshav enters the living room to find quite a surprise. "I come out of the kitchen with the coffee, and the man is laying there, butt naked! And I'm like, what are you doing?" And he says, "Well I thought you invited me back for..," "Coffee! I invited you back for coffee!" Toshav cuts him off before he can complete the sentence. "Coffee and conversation. You need to put your clothes on! And in fact, you can't have any coffee. You need to put your clothes back on and get out of here!" Like bad karma, these streaks of bad dates continued for Toshav until he met Phillip. And despite these wretched dates, Toshav was not nervous about the date with Phillip. "I'm typically like this. I'm very calm and I'm busy and then when it gets down to the very moment, I'm nervous. It last for a few minutes and then I'm OK." Phillip on the other hand was the opposite. "You were nervous. Don't lie," Toshav tells Phillip. "Ehhh, I was nervous. I was worried about meeting somebody different. I wasn't nervous over the date type of thing, it was more 'Is this going to work?'" Since Toshav and Phillip had only spoken on the phone, neither was aware of what the other looked like. When Toshav opened the door and saw Phillip standing before him holding a bouquet of wild flowers he thought, "Oh, thank God. He looks OK," Toshav laughs. "I was thinking:'a blind date, my luck, a gorilla's gonna be out here.' And I had a peep hole, so I looked out the peep hole to see what he looked like first. If he had really been a gorilla, I was not gonna open that door." Upon first seeing Toshav, Phillip said he was very interested. Because of Phillip's shy nature, it is difficult to get him into conversations. But he found comfort in spending time with Toshav. "He was able to get me into conversations very quickly and I'm not too easy to approach that way. I felt very comfortable very quickly," Phillip said. And everything just took off from there. "It never ended," as Phillip put it. Nearly two months after their first date, Toshav and Phillip began to discuss marriage. Neither of them felt that the relationship was moving too fast. Nor were they afraid of committing. "I wasn't afraid of it. I wanted a committed relationship actually," Phillip said. "That's been my goal my whole life. To be with somebody that would place me first and that I could place them first and together we would make a plan." And that's just what Toshav and Phillip did: they constructed a plan to spend the rest of their lives together and to seal this commitment with marriage. After a few months of dating, Toshav and Phillip decided to move to Ithaca, NY. After placing a deposit on an apartment in Ithaca, the couple stopped at the City Clerk's office to obtain a marriage license. She refused them the application on the grounds that issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples in New York state is illegal. Toshav and Phillip said the state does not even recognize a domestic partnership. Today, Toshav and Phillip continue fighting the state to grant them a marriage license. They have reapplied for the marriage license in 1998, but have still heard no response. Despite these findings at the City Clerk's office, on June 22, 1995, Toshav, who is Jewish and Phillip, who is Baptist were united in a Jewish "commitment ceremony" held at Elmira College. Originally, the ceremony was to be held at a synagogue in Elmira, but the congregation was concerned about the media storming the building during the ceremony, so they asked Toshav and Phillip during the week of the ceremony to move the celebration to a different location. Toshav and Phillip had to call nearly 100 guests to tell them the new location. The couple did not plan a honeymoon, but Phillip, who currently manages the distribution of educational resources to institutions at Cornell University, returned to work four days later and was able to spend some time with Toshav after breaking both arms at work after falling from a ledge. "He got a loooong vacation," Toshav jokes. "Yes, we had quite a honeymoon. And there we both were: 24 hours a day, me and his arms." At the hospital, where Phillip was being treated for his injuries, the couple experienced blatant discrimination by the staff. Toshav waited anxiously in the waiting area as Phillip's surgery was performed. Finally, he received word that Phillip was doing fine and was recovering. When Phillip was brought into his designated room for the night, Toshav was there waiting for him. Phillip was still experiencing a lot of pain, despite the high levels of morphine administered to him. "I was planning on staying there overnight and try to keep him comfortable," Toshav said. " Visiting hours were over and they demanded that I leave. They said they didn't want to call security." Toshav was left with no choice but to leave. "If I were Phil's spouse, or if I had been a woman who was Phil's spouse, they would not have treated me that way. It is just inconceivable that two guys would be getting married or that two guys would be concerned about each other." And things would have been much better for Phillip had Toshav stayed. At one point, Phillip rang for the nurse several times to help Phillip to the bathroom. There was no response. He finally had to help himself. "I got up and unplugged the IV unit, dragged it to the bathroom with me, got back and tried to plug the unit back into the wall and the nurses came in and basically bitched me out because I had unplugged that and it had set off an alarm." The medical staff was not even concerned about Phillip's safety or his condition. Instead, they were more concerned with Phillip causing a disturbance. And this episode is one of the main points that Toshav uses in defending why it's important to have their marriage recognized. "You can have the paper work in place. There are non-discrimination policies in place, and yet, we are still not treated like a couple. We're not given common courtesies that any other couple would be given. Even if they're married or not." Furthermore, Toshav believes their relationship differs from heterosexual relationships in many ways. For example, unlike average heterosexual married couples, Toshav and Phillip do not have to perform the traditional roles of husband and wife where the wife cooks and cleans and the husband works and brings home the money. Each performs a task according to interest and by choice. Toshav does the cooking, while Phillip does the yard work, which Phillips says is his love. "Phil and I have real distinct roles. I don't mess with laundry for the most part," Toshav said. "Pleasssse," Phillip groans, "he mixes colors." And Toshav and Phillip were continually discriminated against by the law as well as society. At one point, someone told Toshav that he could never work with children or be a leader because he is gay. Both working with children and becoming a leader are two goals that Toshav has always strived for. But this person truly believed that parents would never trust Toshav with their children because he is gay. This person was wrong. Today, Toshav works with children, primarily teenagers for the City of Ithaca, creating social, cultural and recreational programs and providing them with someone they can talk to about problems. Yet even in Toshav's position today, he has been judged by the parents of the children he mentors. "I have had a parent decide they were not going to register their child with our program because they did not want their child to be exposed to a gay person." Toshav and Phillip have lived with discrimination all their lives. And yet, it seems that these episodes of discrimination is what drives this couple to fight for equal rights and for what they believe in. Still today, Toshav and Phillip cannot understand why anyone would want to infringe on their happiness. "People are willing to use their voting power, their taxes, their money to keep that from happening for us when I don't understand how it impacts on their life," Toshav said. "Why does it matter that I chose to marry a man? Why do people feel like they need to do something to keep that from happening?" Toshav and Phillip may have a long journey in achieving equality, but they are not giving up until the end. "We're gonna win," Toshav exclaims. Carla Kucinski is a junior print journalism major at Ithaca College.
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