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Three Days at the Rodeo: a weekend in the life of an old man and his mannequin By Bryan Chambala Harris Eaton isn't going to be the next President of the United States. He doesn't have Al Gore's connections, Bill Bradley's fame or George W.'s bloodlines. He isn't affiliated with any major party, he's never been interviewed by Time magazine and he doesn't have any big business backers funding his drive for office. But Harris Eaton has a vision. "As far as I'm concerned, we ought to do away with elections," said Mr. Eaton, perched on his favorite stool at the Newes Pub in Edgartown, Mass. "It's no way to run a country. It's like the damn churches; the only people who come out anymore are the ones who are crazy enough to think somebody else gives a shit. It's a damn shame." He has a failing liver, a bum knee and high blood pressure. He lives alone and has no children. He's lived on Martha's Vineyard for 20 years, the duration of his retired life. "I feel most comfortable here, so this is where headquarters is located," he said. "I've put some capital into a limited Island campaign. The response has been positive and encouraging. Here's one of the posters advertising a speech I'll be giving." The poster is printed on plain 8x11 paper with bold blue letters reading "Welcome to 'Blueduck and his Plaid Sailboat,' a new approach to the presidency with Harris Eaton." Under the letters is a grainy picture of Eaton sitting in a plaid sailboat next to a human figure that appears to be gagged and bound to the mast of the boat. "That's my mannequin, Dolores," he said. "She sails with me, helps balance the boat. Sometimes I bring her to the bar for kicks. But only in the winter when all the damn city people have gone home." And Blueduck? "I'm Blueduck," he said. "It's an old nickname I got when I was a kid. I got drunk and choked a duck to death. It turned blue, hence the nickname." Eaton said he is eager to enter the fray, whatever the consequences to his privacy and dignity. "I figure they'll dig up everything they can on me once they find out how serious I am about winning the election," he said. "I don't give a shit. Start digging, I'll help." Eager to level with the voting public early in the game, Eaton recounted nearly every criminal and immoral act perpetrated in his 84 years, taking care to err on the side of caution. "Some of these things I don't remember doing, but people told me I did," he said. "So I'll tell you and the voters can decide for themselves." Eaton claims to have slept with 14 women in his life-possibly 15. He said there was one in New York he wasn't so sure was a woman. "She was a little fleshy down there," he said. "But it didn't bother me then. Hell, I was only 20." Eaton has smoked pot (and inhaled), popped uppers, chugged Robitussin, drank purified Lysol (Montana Gin) and snorted cocaine. Eaton was arrested at the age of 16 for breaking and entering, and burglary in excess of $500, both felonies. But he said charges were never filed because "it was a little blind old lady's house, so I just snuck back in the next day and put the stuff back." He was also arrested in college for public urination, but again no charges were filed. Tainted as it may be, Eaton is proud of his record. "Let's see George W. Bush go public with his complete personal history," he said. "Chickenshit won't even admit to snorting a little blow." Downtime at the Watering Hole The Newes Pub, located in the historic whaling village of Edgartown, is a wooden basement bar located within walking distance of the picturesque Edgartown harbor. The dank catacombs of the Newes' private drinking room are home to the tortured, whispering souls of a thousand sailors and whaling captains. Located in the basement of the famous Kelley House, the catacombs are infested on a daily basis with the Island's most wretched and criminal element. This is Harris Eaton's home. And his soapbox. "Ted Kennedy used to come in here to drink in the summer when he wasn't screwing girls and drowning them in the harbor down the street," said Eaton, clutching a 25-ounce mug of dark beer. "If that's not criminal, I don't know what is. All the politicians like to drink here in the summer." Nestled in his corner, Eaton has watched some of the nation's leading leaders as they've sipped suds on his home turf. He's seen and met the Kennedy Clan, Hillary Clinton and even his newest adversary, Al Gore. "I guess he would be my closest competitor. We really don't share similar political philosophies, but when I was younger I looked a bit like him," he said. Whatever likeness the younger Eaton shared with Gore has faded now, and the elder statesman of the Massachusetts Island District holds a view of the situation firmly grounded in the reality of the cold New England soil. "I guess I can't really imagine the Democrats endorsing me over him, mainly because they'd think I'm too damn old," he said. "But I figure to take some of his supporters away from him. His target audience is my target audience. "I think getting a late start will actually help. By the time everyone gets sick of the same old shit, here I come," he said. "And I've got a few gimmicks up my sleeves. There's nothing like a good gimmick to stir up public interest in a campaign." Big Night The Atlantic Ocean usually dulls the teeth of the bitter New England winter. Nights that Boston is hit with a foot of snow, the Islands get rain. Warm rain. But on the eve of Jan. 15, the Atlantic was no match for winter as temperatures dropped to rare sub-zero levels. Television weathermen warned of wind chills reaching 30 below. But the cold didn't stop Eaton's disciples. They had waited too long for this night. And so, as the clock struck 8 p.m., the Baylies room of the Old Whaling Church opened its doors to the masses who came to witness the inaugural event of Harris Eaton's presidential campaign. This was Blueduck's night. "He told me if I didn't come he'd shoot me," said Alex Case, a neighbor of Eaton's. "I don't believe him. But why take the chance?" In the entrance to the Baylies room was a table full of campaign merchandise. On the table were two sets of buttons and two sets of matching bumper stickers. The pink buttons, marked "for the ladies" read, "Everyone Needs a Good Eaton." The blue buttons, marked "for the men" read, "If You're Not Eaton, You're Beaten." The candidate took the stage at 8:11 p.m. dressed in a blue suit and maroon wingtips. He bent over and placed a transparency on a wall projector. He flipped the "on" switch and the crowd gasped. "Brilliant," said a man in the second row. The presentation was simple: Eaton and his projector, hallucinogens not included. "The Free Market Candidate: A new approach to the Presidency," read the first page. "I know I told some of you I didn't have a platform," he said. "Because at the time I didn't. But after conducting a series of sophisticated Internet polls, my campaign managers and I were able to draft a platform that is not only responsive to the will of the people; but also responsive to the pressures of the free market system. "Our technologically advanced 'taking stock of opinion' system allowed us to develop a set of political opinions and ethics solely based on the needs and desires of the voting public," he said. "This is what you want. Or at least what you say you want. Those of you who use the Internet for something other than pornography." In the interest of time Eaton only unveiled a portion of his platform, but promised there would be more to come once he figured out "how to hook up that damn T1 connection." "The people need simple things, American things," he said. "They want bigger, fasters SUV's. They want increased access to sexual enhancement drugs for men, and decreased access to birth control for women. And most importantly, they want trophy wives. "I am the only candidate who has shown a willingness to respond directly to these needs," he said. "I promise a trophy wife for every man over the age of 45 worth more than $1.9 million. Imagine a world populated by SUV's the size of 18-wheelers-with hatchbacks and reinforced front grilles. Can Bill Bradley make those promises? No way Jose. He's too busy talking about the problems of the past like "race," and "poverty." This is a new era. The Eaton era. God Bless America." Eaton also presented another unique feature of his platform, something he calls the "making opinion of stock" option. "If I am elected, I will be the first President in the history of the United States to go public, as in public stock," he said. "And I don't have to tell you that stocks are neat! And profitable. Legal restrictions make it impossible to actually offer the Office of United States President as a tangible stock, but when voters buy stock in the newly-minted Eaton Enterprises, they will be effectively buying their own little slice of America's soul-and their own little slice of my collectively created political opinions. "To insure responsiveness to public desire, I will hold monthly stock holders meetings in which John Q. Stockholder will have a chance to shape the public policies of this great, Democratic nation. The more shares a man can afford, the more influence he has," he said. "Imagine a world where a leader of industry, like Bill Gates or even George Bush, can also be a leader in the field of public policy. I know it sounds crazy, but I think it can work. It's very similar to the current system, but more streamlined and profitable." In addition to immediate responsiveness to public needs, Eaton said the system offers other "peripheral" advantages. "If we're going to judge the performance of a President solely on the success of the stock market, why not make it easier? With the Eaton system, voting members of the corporation will be able to turn on CNN Financial news to check their stocks and find out how their President's domestic policies are holding up in the global marketplace--in real time. This means the American stock holder will have more free time to watch Ally McBeal and The Practice. "My hope is that this revolutionary new system will eventually bring an end to the pesky, outdated quirks of the Old Democracy. By eliminating useless, symbolic exercises like 'voting' and 'public participation' we can make the United States Government more streamlined and more competitive in the fast-changing, dynamic global marketplace of ideas. "Consensus. Unity. Dividends." "The future of America is Eaton Enterprises." Bryan Chambala is a real weirdo. He lives on Martha's Vineyard. |
