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World Readies for Miracle Drug By Bryan Chambala Ethel Snider has spent her whole life in prison.There are no bars in this prison, no guards and no good drugs. But every morning at 4:30 a.m. for forty-three years Ethel would wake up in the darkness, surrounded by walls of pain and suffering that would not break down. Time after time she tried to escape. She drank for eight years, trying to drown the pain in a river of whiskey. All she got for her trouble was a bad liver and a few speeding tickets. She tried garlic supplements, weight loss programs, Billy Blank's tai-bo and massage therapy. Nothing worked. She took up line dancing. Even the sweet sound of 400 boots clanking on a wooden floor in unison could not take away her pain. Garth Brooks be damned, Ethel couldn't smash those walls. But that was all before Ethel found Zanitrax. In the fall of 1998, Ethel was chosen to participate in a study that would test the effects of a new drug known as Zanitrax. Ethel showed up at Stephen Glass Labs in San Diego, California on October 14 and by November 14 Ethel's walls had fallen. She was a new woman. In just one month. "I came into that place with bags under my eyes, tracks on my arms and a limp in my walk," said Ethel from her home in Arizona. "By Thanksgiving I was dancing on the tables downtown and snorting 12-15 lines of cocaine a day without getting so much as a runny nose. And I don't need to tell you that my old bedroom saw more action in the first two weeks than it had in thirty years." If you think Ethel has discovered some kind of fountain of youth, you're right. But if you think she's going to keep it all to her self, you're wrong. This revolutionary new drug called Zanitrax will finally be available, starting on May 10, at your local drugstore. According to a press release issued by Glass Labs last week, Zanitrax is the most important substance to come onto the market in 50 years. Aspirin, Tylenol and Maalox will be distant memories once this wonder-drug hits the market, said the release. "After months of successful research, Stephen Glass Laboratories will be releasing the most effective drug ever to hit the market. Zanitrax is so effective, so powerful and so affordable, the FDA won't even approve it. They're scared its going to put everyone else out of business." While Glass Labs did not release the official results of their study, according to the release "everything went fine and everyone involved had a real nice month with us. We even bought them dinner a few times. It was a real nice get together, real homey and family-like." The buzz surrounding the release of Zanitrax has local consumers chomping at the bit with anticipation and has more than a few drug store clerks worried about keeping enough in supply for the big day. "From what I've been hearing, this could be the next Beanie Babies," said Dolores Duvosky, a clerk at the Park Pharmacy in Johnson City, New York. "We're thinking of hiring extra security. We've been getting phone calls asking to set some aside and we've already had people trying to camp outside the store. We had to throw them out. I just don't know how we're going to keep up." Cindy Romain, a mother of three, said she's planning on rising early to make sure she gets some Zanitrax. "If I can get one of those damn stuffed animals, I can get some of these pills," she said. "And from what I've heard on the television news, this is the real thing. I'll get enough for the whole family and we'll make a day of it. It's about time somebody came out with something like this. It's hard enough being a working person without the FDA keeping medicine from our kids." One report issued by the AMA referred to the drug as "incredible...unbelievable...anyone who takes this drug will be astonished ..." So mark your calendars, May 10 is the day Zanitrax will change the world as we know it. |
