Although the childhood experience I chose to
write about, the one that stands out in my mind very vividly, may seem
really strange, it's a memory t'll never forget. It's the only childhood
memory I can think of where I truly felt strong emotions that carried into
my later years in life.
About the age of six, my parents separated and divorced shortly thereafter.
Even the memories of their endless fighting did not have a great impact
on my feelings or happiness. Perhaps I was too young. - Who knows.
But in the years that followed the divorce, came a long, excruciating custody
battle that didn't really affect me either. I had known for a long
time that I strongly wished to live with my father and my soon to be step
mother. My mother was not in the frame of mind to take care of her
children at that time in her life. She was incapable of being a healthy
mother figure to me and that was obvious even when I was as young as eight.
Even though my mother knew her children had no desire to live with her,
and she knew I adored my step- mother at the time, she continued on with
the fight, making everyone miserable. She was irrational, angry all
the time, and acted younger than me everyday of my childhood. It
was extremely frustrating.
One day, I had a girl- scout meeting. It was a typical Thursday,
and the girls and I sat around the cabin talking. My dad's girlfriend,
trying to prove her adequacy and adoration for me, attended the meeting
and brought my friends snacks. Shortly after she arrived, my mother
walked into the meeting. She noticed my dad's girlfriend, she looked
at me, and sat down. I could feel my friends staring at me with concern
and disbelief. My heart sank. For the first time in a long
time, my mother really tried to do something nice for me. I felt
like I slapped her in the face. I felt like I broke her heart.
All of my anger and annoyance with her turned to guilt. My step-
mother was embarrassed, and I felt like I was placed in the middle.
I wanted to run away.
I ran away from my feelings for a long, long time. I pushed the
guilt and pain down as far as it would go so I couldn't feel anything.
I moved away from my mother
when I was ten years old, along with my sister, Rebecca. I didn't
allow my mother's guilt trips about how her children left her affect me.
It wasn't fair for me to live my life unhappy because I had to make a decision
between parents when I was ten. I did the best I could.
Today, I remember that day of my girl- scout meeting, and I picture
myself as a little girl sitting there, not knowing how to deal with any
of it. I believe today that it's OK to feel guilt and sympathy for
others, especially for the parents we love so much. But I am not
responsible for my mother. At eight years old, she was responsible
for me. I can still see my mother's face on that day and I still
feel pain (not guilt) because I love my mother so much. But it's
important to feel emotion, not suppress it. It's also important to
make the best of the relationship you have with your parents and show them
you love them. (Which is what I've done.)
The teacher asked the student to give more information about how she
healed and this is what she wrote (next entry)