When I was eight a man came to my school to show us all the instruments we
could choose to learn to play. I knew what I wanted the minute I saw it. It
was big and loud, and I wasn't. The cello stood out from all the others and
I was the only one who chose to play it. Within a few weeks I was lugging it
around the halls of my school. It made me feel special. I started out with easy
songs to play at first. They sounded horrible. I would sit with the cello in
front of me and saw away at it and it would only grunt and moan. I didn't know
what exactly it was supposed to sound like and it was fun so I kept playing.
I got a little better with time. A few months later I moved to a new town. The
town I moved to didn't have a music program for strings so I was pretty much
on my own. I still continued to play but I wasn't getting very far without a
teacher. The next year a friend introduced me to her music teacher, Mrs. Baird.
Mrs. Baird was an eccentric old woman who taught piano, voice, violin, cello,
anything you wanted to play she would try to teach it to you. Once a week I
would sit in the middle of her office on a stool and play notes that she would
sing along with. Mrs. Baird helped me to love music. Once I got used to her
she introduced me to other students my age who loved to play music. We formed
a string quartet with cello, piano, violin and viola. On the weekends we would
get together for music history classes and go on field trips. She introduced
me to a world I never knew existed. I got to play in church concerts and sing
in a choir. I learned how to ring English handbells. Everything was so simple
and fun in those days that I decided I wanted to play music professionally for
the rest of my life. I told Mrs. Baird this and she knew that if this was what
I really wanted that I could no longer stay with her. She arranged for me to
meet with a number of cello teachers who specialized in the instrument and I
found a new teacher an hour away. From then on music became what I thought was
the most important thing in my life. I thought it was the only talent that I
had. I began to join orchestras around the state where I was playing with students
who were a lot more advanced than I was. I often felt left behind. I knew that
if I wanted to catch up to the other students I had a lot of work to do. I practiced
as hard as I could and when one teacher couldn't teach me anymore I moved on
to another one. By comparing myself to others I felt inadequate as a musician.
I decided that I would definitely do whatever it took to catch up with everyone
else. I worked very hard and in my junior year in high school I was accepted
to a music school in Cambridge. The Longy School of Music had some of the most
well known teachers and students in New England. It was supposed to be an honor
to study there. I didn't feel like I fit in My teacher said that I was very
far behind and that I'd have to start all over again- I did everything he told
me to and spent four hours a day practicing. I would wake up at 5 in the morning
and play for an hour before I went to school. I would do one hour when I came
home and two hours at night. I was exhausted. My fingers hurt so much that they
began to grow calluses but my teacher told me that was to be expected. I never
had time to visit with friends or do anything after school because I always
had to practice or go to my lessons. After a few months with my teacher he sat
me down and asked me if I really wanted to be a cellist. I said I did more than
anything, I had been working hard for years to become one and now it was getting
close to time for me to go to music school. My teacher told me without any feeling
that he didn't think I had what it took and that I'd never make it. He told
me that I should stop playing now and if I wanted to have any sort of career
I should find someone else to do it for me because I just didn't have the talent.
I have never felt so horrible. I remember walking along the streets of Boston
that day with my mother. I was crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath.
I didn't know how to function without music. My mother told me not to worry,
that we'd find a way but I was starting to think otherwise. I wanted to be a
cellist more than anything. It was the only thing I could do and it was what
everyone knew me for. If I could not play the cello I did not know who or what
I would be. After that day I found a new teacher but when it was time to apply
to schools I had lost so much confidence that I decided not to audition for
music. I didn't think there was any way I could compete with the other students
my age. I forgot about music for a while and came to Ithaca College as a Communications
student. I did well in my classes but still felt like I had to keep playing
my cello. I felt like I was trapped and that it was something that was so ingrained
in me that I would loose my identity if I stopped playing. I began taking lessons
with a very nice and enthusiastic cello student here and within a few months
I gained enough confidence to audition for the cello minor. I auditioned and
was accepted and soon began taking lessons with the main cello teacher here.
Even though I was let into the department I still felt awfully behind everyone
else. Every time someone else picked up their instrument to play the music sounded
so beautiful, mine sounded ugly and my songs seemed too easy to impress anyone.
I soon lost interest again and stopped playing. I thought this was my last chance
and I was giving it up. I learned a lot in the time after I stopped playing
the cello. I took a few classes that I never imagined myself taking and within
a year I changed my major to anthropology. I made a few new friends and realized
that there was more to me than just music, I had many talents. I could also
write well and draw well and became so interested in history that I got a job
at a museum that I never imagined I would have. In the time that I stopped playing
I realized that there was more to me than just music. At the end of my sophomore
year it was time for me to sign up for classes again. I had to take a math requirement,
which I was dreading. I could either take a computer class or an algebra class.
I thought about if for a few days and finally decided on the algebra class.
I might as well take a class where I might learn something I didn't know about.
Maybe I would unleash yet another talent. I never got good grades in math in
high school but now that I knew I was changing the way I looked at things I
decided to give math another try. I will admit that this class was nothing like
I had expected. At first it was a little hard to follow the class and relax.
I wasn't quite sure how the class was being run or why. I often felt like an
outsider because everyone else seemed to be talking to each other. They were loud
and talkative in the begining of class and sometimes it was hard to concentrate.
I like to keep to myself and be quiet sometimes. I did the work when I could
and found out that it wasn't as hard as I thought it was if I only paid attention.
I had to have patience too. I never got an answer completely right on the first
try but I was beginning to see patterns and openings where I never saw them
before. I was beginning to like not just math, but other things I was afraid
of before like science too. I had found something new that I thought I would
never be good at and here I was doing it. I remember the night that I took my
midterm exam. I was afraid and tired before I came. I spent the whole afternoon
lying in bed with a migraine headache and had to drag myself down to the classroom
at night. I was a little nervous too because I was supposed to be working with
a partner and I was still feeling shy about approaching him. I sat there for
the first few minutes working on my own. Then my partner came over to me and
asked if we could work together. I was so relieved! We worked together for two
hours. I have never taken so long to complete a test but the feeling I had when
I was done was amazing. I felt so accomplished, even more than I ever did at
any of my cello concerts. I put a lot of effort into my test and felt that I
did well. I felt proud. 4 For the rest of the semester I have continued to work
on my algebra focusing on different aspects here and there. Sometimes I know
that I need to work on my patience, other times I need to focus on my persistence.
A strange thing has happened through all of this. One night while I was sitting
at my desk working and my hands were quickly moving over the paper and plugging
numbers into the calculator I began to feel a twitching sort of feeling. There
was a rhythm to the work I was doing that began to take over my body. My hands
and wrists began to move back and forth as they used to when I was playing the
cello. My limbs felt fidgety and I could feel a bit pulsating inside of me.
I began to hum a song I knew and had soon stopped my work to loose myself to
the music. Every couple of days for the next few weeks I would get the feeling
off and on. I started t again about how nice it would be to play my cello. I
began to feel the instrument as if it were right there in front of me. The feelings
came to me without hesitation. I was not worried what other people would think
or how hard I had to work to catch up with everyone else. I just wanted to play
for myself, because deep down inside I really do love music. It's something
that's inside of me. It doesn't define me, but it adds to my life. To me, these
feelings are a sign that I have changed the way that I look at life. I used
to be very uptight and worried about how to measure up to everyone else's standards.
Now I have learned to calm down and work at my own pace. It doesn't matter so
much if I am at the same level as anyone else. I just have to work at my own
pace and do what makes me happy. When I keep this in mind I realize that a lot
of things make me happy, not just music but writing, math, cooking, hiking.
There are a thousand things that I can explore and if I go at them with the
right attitude I'll continue to feel good about myself. I feel that now I am
ready to pick up my cello again. I am ready to play, maybe not as much as I
did before, maybe not the same things that I did before but I am ready. I have
grown so that now I know what I want out of music, it's not to impress everyone
else with what I can do, but to be happy. When I realized what I was afraid
of in math, and that I could change that if I just changed my attitude I realized
another important fact. Although I loved it I have always been afraid of music.
I let it control me, I worried that others would judge me by my music when that
just wasn't true. Now that I have learned how to approach math, I think I am
ready to take up my cello again and I know this time I'll get more out of it.
I'll get a sense of inner peace from knowing that I'm okay with it.