Transforming Fear into Love, a personal story

Life is so precious and it is such a joy to share the beauty with students and to know that learning never ends. When I first started teaching I was a "traditional" math teacher. My concern was to cover the material and to publish papers. Being the only child of Holocaust survivors was the background of my work in the classroom. But it was hidden. Hidden from me and others. But at night came the fears and they were hidden too and they prevented me to fall asleep. One night at 1:00 am many years ago, lying alone in bed, I could not bear the isolation and lingering fears any longer and suddenly three things happened at the same time. I sensed a fairy flying above my body and sprinkling stardust on me. At the same time the subconscious fear emerged to consciousness and I knew what it was:

"The I will become insane, end up in a mental institution and not be able to provide for my family".

The third insight came also at the same time:

"I can transform the fear, tomorrow I will go to the dean and two other faculty members and share with them my fear".

I felt asleep like an innocent baby with a smile on my face and the next day I did exactly what the fairy told me. I went to the dean and two other faculty members (separately) and shared with them my fear and each one of them thanked me and said that they felt honored that I shared with them this. It felt so good to be free from that lingering fear. The experience had a profound effect on my teaching. Not only the release of the fear but the whole experience including the years living with that lingering fear. It helped me become a more compassionate and understanding teacher and understand that the students have fears also and that it is possible to transform and transcend the fears. It is not possible to enjoy learning and be creative if the mind is occupied with subconscious fears. Thus, as a teacher I find myself in a role of helping my students discover and transform their fears, but the process is very gentle and can happen only when one is ready. But sometimes one has to be vigilant too. My friend Boaz, shared with me what happened when he was nine years old. His parents were divorced and Boaz went to visit his father in the hospital. No one told him that his father had an amputated leg. The young child who saw his father in that condition was in a state of shock. When he returned home, his mother saw his mental condition and tried to help him come in touch with the buried feelings without much success until she remembered the following symbolic story and told Boaz. This completely released him and he could cry and be happy again.

"Each time we get hurt it is like taking a living frog and putting it into a tomato can, sealing it and putting it in our chest. But the frogs do not die. They keep "qua qua" and eventually the tomatoes cans burst open."