Advice to Parents

From a Student's Perspective
Written by J. Michelson and edited by Ithaca College staff members

Your student, along with some two million others, is about to enter an exciting yet sometimes frightening period. It is a time filled with joy, pain, discovery, and disappointment. You, too, will experience the happiness and defeats-secondhand, but just as vividly. Here are some guidelines that might help you survive this period with a minimum loss of sanity and a maximum strengthening of your new relationship:

1. Don't ask them if they're homesick
The power of suggestion can be a dangerous thing. (A friend once told me, "The idea of being homesick didn't even occur to me, what with all the new things that were going on, until my mom called one of the first weekends and asked "Are you homesick?" Then it hit me.") The first few days and weeks of school are activity-packed and friend-jammed, and the challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes a majority of freshmen's time and concentration. So unless they're reminded of it by well-meaning parents, they may be able to escape the frustration of homesickness. And even if they don't tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.

2. Communicate (but not too often)
Although freshmen are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can in those first few weeks, most are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring. Today, thanks to technology, communication links have expanded. With just the touch of a few buttons your student can reach you, and you can reach him or her. But because staying in touch is so easy, it is often time-consuming for students. You'll need to balance e-mailing, calling, and instant messaging so as not to overwhelm your student.

3. Ask questions (but not too many)
College freshmen have a tendency to resent interference with their new-found lifestyle, but most desire the security of knowing that someone is still interested in them. Parental curiosity can be construed as either obnoxious and alienating or relief-giving and supportive, depending on the attitudes of the persons involved. "I-have-a-right-to-know" tinged questions and nagging should be avoided. Honest inquiries and other "between friends" communication and discussion will do much to further the parent-freshman relationship.

4. Expect change (but not too much)
Your student will change, either drastically within the first months, slowly over four years, or at a pace in between. It's natural and inevitable, and it can be inspiring and beautiful. College and the experiences associated with it can cause or influence changes in social, vocational, and personal behavior and choices. You can't stop change. You may never understand it, but it is within your power, and to you and your student's advantage, to accept it. Remember that your freshman will be basically the same person you sent away to school, aside from certain interest changes and personality revisions. Don't expect too much too soon. Maturation is not an instantaneous or overnight process, and you might discover your freshman returning home with some of the same habits and hang-ups, however unsophisticated, that you thought he or she had "grown out of." Be patient.

5. Don't worry (too much) if they call home sounding a little down
Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. It's a lot of give and only a little take. Often when troubles become too much for a student to handle (a flunked test, ended relationship, and shrunken T-shirt all in one day), the only place to call or e-mail is home. Often, unfortunately, this is the only time the urge to communicate is felt so strongly, so you never get to hear about the A paper, the new friend, or the domestic triumph. In these "crisis" times, your student can unload trouble or tears and, after the catharsis, return to routine relieved and lightened, while you inherit the burden of worry. Be patient with those "nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place" phone calls or e-mails. You're providing a real service as an advice dispenser, sympathetic ear, or punching bag. Granted, it's a service that can make you feel lousy, but it works wonders for a frustrated student.

6. Visit (but not too often)
Visits by parents, especially when accompanied by shopping sprees and/or dinners out, are another part of first-year life that freshmen are reluctant to admit liking but appreciate greatly. These visits give the student a chance to introduce some of the important people in both of his or her so-important worlds (home and school) to each other. Additionally, it's a way for parents to become familiar with-and, hopefully, gain more understanding of-their student's new activities, commitments, and friends. However, spur-of-the-moment surprises are usually not appreciated. And preemption of a planned weekend of studying or other activities can have disastrous results. It's usually best to wait for Family Weekend to see your student and the school; you may event get to see a clean room.

7. Do not tell students that these are the best years of their lives
The first year -- and the others as well -- can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointments, and, most of all, mistakes. They're also full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and people. However, except in retrospect, it's not the good that stands out. It took some time, and the help of some good friends, for me to realize that I was normal and that my movie/TV perceptions of what college was all about were inaccurate. It took a while for me to accept that being unhappy, afraid, confused, disliking people, and making mistakes -- in other words, accepting me -- were all part of the show, all part of this new reality, all part of growing up. It took a while longer for parents to accept it. Any parent who believes that all college students get good grades, know what they want to major in, always have activity-packed weekends with lots of close friends, and lead carefree lives is wrong. Parents who perpetuate and insist upon the "best years" stereotype are working against their child's already difficult personal development. Those who accept and understand the highs and lows of their student's reality are providing support and encouragement where it's needed the most.

8. Trust them
Finding oneself is a process that is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing you. One of the most important things my mom ever wrote to me in my four years of college was this: "I love you and want for you all the things that make you happy, and I guess you are the one who knows best what those things are." She wrote that during my senior year. If you take my advice, you'll believe it and say it now.